If you like me too that’d be so god damn righteous… I just don’t know and god knows I’m afraid of rejection when I actually care. I gotta do something though because wondering and not knowing is way worse than sacking up and finding out something that could suck
Its these late nights where i spend the majority of my night tossing and turning - eventually giving up and just laying there naked in the dark with some soft music playing in the background - contemplating life. They’re not good nights per say, but in some sense they offer something very real, a reality check. I wonder if my actions, and priorities have really be in check with what I have intended them to me. Who knows what that even means, but what I do know is that when you’re dead tired and its 5:40am with and you have a test at 10:30 that you havent studied for, you pretty much would rather be anywhere else. I spent a lot of tonight going through old pictures and reminiscing, and thought about sending some texts to some old friends but at this point I’m too tired to formulate coherency. I miss some of the old days, but its all a growing experience. We live. We Change. We learn. We Grow.
This weekend I attended the East Coast Leadership Conference for my fraternity. I was elected the president of Alpha Delta Phi at the beginning of this year and for anyone who knew me in high school they may be amazed at this. Over the past years though, I’ve changed a lot, but then again I’ve also changed so little. I’m still a goofy fool, maybe even more so than before, but I’m much wiser. I recognize my faults, and I’m able to cope with them. This weekend really got my fraternal pride flowing more than ever before, mostly probably due to meeting all of the other chapters that were attending and experiencing what I at least felt as an unspoken bond between these brothers I’ve never met before. As different as we are, we have so much in common, a certain breed so to speak. I learned that the chapter I’m apart of is incredibly liberal in comparisons to others, but I also learned how to improve our chapter. I only have a year, but at the very least I’m going to get the ball rolling for us and the ball will be rolling faster. I’m motivated, and I’ve learned how to lead a group (even if the group is a group of fools).
Overall, it was a fantastic weekend. It was so nice to see my parents, I really did miss them, especially now that we are on such better terms. I even think they’re more proud of me than ever. It was even nicer to see Dora, even though it was so brief; that kid will always have a special place in my heart and I love him to death.
I’ve taken on more responsibilities this term than ever before, to the point that if you told me last year all the stuff I was doing and that I am doing it well, I would even laugh at me. I’ve possibly locked down a paid summer research opportunity at my school doing computer engineering on an interdepartmental project involving aerogels and the environment. I’m leading a house in what I hope is the right direction. I’m doing current research involving acoustical analysis in a treasure hunt sort of way. I’m killing it in school and more so I’m growing up and my level of maturity is fantastic when it needs to be.
On the girl situation, its the same as usual. I’m not so much a hopeless romantic anymore, but when it comes to winter term… I always just want a cute girl that I can snuggle up next to and watch movies with or something along that line. Not that I’m lonely, and not that I’m not getting laid; its just weird. It’s weird, I always feel like I end up liking the wrong girls. I’ve been kindergarden crushing on this one girl, and I’m going to formal with her.. but at the same time, she’s still heavily involved with her ex (from what my friends tell me and they don’t know that I’m interested in her); Whats more so is that kid might end up pledging next term, but thats really besides the point. Hooking up with a normal girl would be a good change of pace for me, but in the mean time I’m occupied with my current obligations and at the very least I’ve made a new friend who is pretty awesome.
Well thats enough procrastination for this paper I have to write, its always nice to get some thoughts out on paper (or electronically).
its not love, at least in the modern sense
we say love, but not in the lovey dovey sense
its an unspoken attraction, at least at this point
though often discussed and recognized in the past, or when we’re drunk
and i guess thats life.
its something we both want, but are afraid of
you much more than I
but thats okay, because
at this point its not really even tension
its just a fact, that ive accepted and you more than likely too
something is different,
is it a bad thing? maybe
is it a good thing? probably not
its life, we live with it
but there is something
and you cant place a finger on it
but in all honesty, it doesnt deserve pondering
but pondering sometimes happens in those belligerent moments when
a kiss, or a hug, or any connection happens
flutters (for both)
and that truly is what we both are afraid of
i more than you no matter, and so it goes on
so it goes
simple mind thinking of simpler times, when words could shatter but never batter, instantly reminiscing of a perfect unity of peace and silence of the mind, forever calm, ever gone, dream to dare, dare to dream, dream dream dream dream dream
It was so good to hear from you the other day. Its been a while since I’ve heard from you, or most people for that matter. You seem to be doing so well and I’m more than glad. Seeing you that lost and broken broke my heart. You are such a good person and I’m hoping that soon you will be able to see it. You’re learning a lot about yourself and its inspiring- I want to learn more about myself through mediation and yoga like you are. And 90 days sober, right on man. You’ve always had this aurora about you and this year it was clearly missing in our house. Some of us noticed it more than others but we all noticed it. Some days it would just feel like something was missing, others it’d be quite definitive. I think one of the reasons that I’m so proud and happy for you right now is because i feel like a lot of the emotional problems that you had, i could relate to in some way. You’ve found a healthy way of life and spiritualism and thats awesome. Your voice had a pep to it, that I hadn’t heard in a long time, but most definitely recognized to be you. I can’t say enough to explain. I’m just happy for you beyond what words can express. You’re a great person and you mean a lot to me. I cant wait to see you. Keep takin care of yourself, and keep that soul golden. I love you brotha.